I am a Consumer Whore

I went running this morning. I used a treadmill and I didn't last very long, due to being incredibly out of shape, but the run was still enough to leave my brain flooded with endorphins for a few hours in the morning and early afternoon. I also noticed that it was exceptionally warm out today, so I decided that I would go out and get lunch while wearing a T-shirt without a jacket. When you can go get lunch without a jacket on December 31st, you go get lunch without a jacket.

I've been watching a lot of Footba'al lately, so I've soaked up hours of good, wholesome, American advertising. With my runner's high in full effect and an empty stomach, I knew that I was in the ideal condition to do my American duty. I was going to stimulate the economy by doing what the commercials told me to do.

And so I bought a Taco Bell Touchdown $5 Buck Box.

I mean, how could I not buy it? It's football-themed.! I like football. How could I not like something that's football-themed? It comes with not one, but two things off the Taco Bell menu that aren't generic tacos and cinnamon twists, and it also includes a taco and cinnamon twists! For just five bucks, getting all that is almost worth eating at Taco Bell! Plus, it has both a dollar sign and, "Buck," in the name. It's so obviously stupid that buying one somehow sounds not only like a good decision, but one that is almost compulsory.

Plus, maybe with the running and all, there was a chance that it wouldn't kill me.

So, I walked to Taco Bell. I saw the staff add queso to my Beefy Crunch Burrito using something that looked suspiciously similar to a caulk gun. And I carried the box home with a spring in my stride.

I didn't understand why the Taco Bell commercials called it a, "Touchdown $5 Buck Box," and the box called itself a, "Touchdown Big Box," but I was too excited to care. I opened it up, expecting to see a masterpiece of Mexican-themed American ingenuity.

I was disappointed. Wasn't there a commercial where a multi-millionaire in an expensive suit carried a previous incarnation of the Box around with the food items sitting apart from each other, perfectly upright? The real-life Box didn't look any different from cafeteria takeout. I tried to rearrange the Box's contents to be more appealing.

I was reminded that it takes a team of trained professionals to make Taco Bell food look appealing.

While I was at the Taco Bell, I had noticed two flavors of Border Sauce that I had not previously tried: Fire-Roasted and Verde. I was still feeling the opiod effects of the endorphins at the time, so I had grabbed a packet of each and taken them back with me. Deciding that I would start my meal with the Beefy Crunch Burrito, I unwrapped it with the intention of applying one of the two sauces.

Never unwrap a Taco Bell burrito. The endorphins ran, screaming from my brain and buried themselves somewhere around the arch of my left foot. I couldn't decide if it looked more like someone had crapped vomit onto a flour tortilla or vomited crap. The worst part, though, was the smell. The dust from the fire... Frito... things was escaping into the air and filling the room with an odor that resembled that of hot fries but was somehow worse.

I ended up re-wrapping the burrito without putting any sauce on it and eating it before my mood fell all the way back to baseline. It made me feel kind of sick. There is a reason why I avoid sour cream and queso sauce: they don't taste nearly good enough to make up for how bad they are for you. I went for the taco next, knowing that the generic tacos are normally a safe choice, but I also decided to try the Fire Roasted Border Sauce on it and it tasted revolting. After eating those two items and the cinnamon twists, I realized that I may have just consumed over 1000 calories in the span of about ten minutes and put the Crunchwrap Supreme in the fridge.

About forty minutes later, I went to the bathroom with great urgency.

In the end, getting the $5 Five Big Buck Box proved to be a bad idea. In spite of that, though, I felt a little optimism as I looked over the images on my digital camera. If anything, the discovery that it has become a challenge to consume the things that I've started dismissing as stupid crap since I finished school has encouraged me to look for other ways to make myself feel sick. I know that I am not done proving myself to be a true American football fan.

It doesn't look like I'll be able to retain much dignity in doing so, though.

(tobecontinuedrawr)