Things that won't happen in 2011

I needed to cheer myself up after seeing the Big Ten go winless in its five (sigh) bowls today, so I wrote up a list of unfunny mock-predictions for next year.

Lets just get this out of the way and pretend it didn't happen.

1. Cyrus Kouandjio, a Rivals.com 5-star-rated offensive tackle, makes a surprise commitment to Michigan State, telling reporters, "I wanted to go someplace where I could play for four years."
2. Edwin Baker sets a school record in the Youngstown State game by gaining at least five yards on every play where he rushes up the middle.
3. In the Michigan-Michigan State game, Denard Robinson suffers a knee injury when he is sacked by William Gholston. Tate Forcier enters the game to replace him and takes two consecutive knees. He then leaves the game and announces that he is transferring to MIT.
4. In their game against Northwestern, Michigan State runs a trick play wherein Kirk Cousins hands the ball off to Keith Nichol, who throws a lateral pass to Keshawn Martin, who hands the ball off to Larry Caper on a reverse, who passes the ball to Cousins for a two-yard gain. When asked by reporters after the game, Dantonio says that the play is called, "I need to talk to those guys."
5. Mark Dantonio lures Charlie Weis away from the Florida offensive coordinator position at the last possible second. Michigan State uses their decided schematic advantage to upset Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship game. They fall to Stanford in the Rose Bowl, however, when Weis's insistence that the line judge slapped him draws an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and pushes the Spartans back too far for Dan Conroy to kick what would have been the game-winning field goal.
6. Michigan State fans look at the Rose Bowl loss and complain about how a really good coach would've won a bowl game by now.